Soccer is amusing, but not through playing or watching.

Among the inconsequential annoyances that I gain amusement from by inflicting on other people, by far the most entertaining is by mocking those people who think that soccer is important. 
This sentence contains two irritations to soccer supporters: my assertion that soccer isn't important and secondly that it is called soccer. The usual response is "It's called football, you bastard!" Look, I couldn't give even the remotest of shits what people call the game, I just say this to get a rise out of people. However, I am genuinely of the view that soccer just doesn't matter.

"Oh my God, I tripped over a lump in the pitch
near another player. I'm fucking dying."

Because of New Zealand's national sport being the oval ball code, rugby, the natural assumption by the offended party is that I take this view because I am an adherent of said oval ball code. This is somewhat true. I played rugby inconsistently but enthusiastically for around twenty years and have spent many happy hours cheering on local teams both live at a ground or on television. It is the reason why I have a long list of injuries and of happy memories. However, I enjoy creating friction with round-ball adherents because they are just as fanatical as militant feminists, fundamentalist Christians, or even fundamentalist atheists for that matter. I know that they will not be swayed in their (incorrect) opinion and I enjoy the journey of taking them from annoyance to purple-faced invective with absolutely no intention of changing their minds.

Footballists, or as I shall name them, Soccerites, abjectly refuse to accept that staring slack jawed at a screen of a game being played on the other side of the earth, where there is a distinct prospect of a scoreless draw, is completely absurd. Honestly, nil all is a result? The offended Soccerite may point toward a five day cricket test ending in a draw, but there will be hundreds of runs scored and dozens of wickets taken. In the entire history of international rugby there have only ever been 19 scoreless draws, none since 1964. When you sit down to watch even the most dour game of rugby, there will be points scored. When you sit down to watch a game of soccer, a nil all draw is as likely as there being a result.

Soccerites are impervious to the obscene notion that their purchase of each season's kit funds the astronomical salaries of the players. Yes, pay them a good salary, but are they really worth tens of millions of dollars? The highest paid footballers are on over US$1.3million per week, the equivalent of 1,219 full-time nurses, all for flouncing around a pitch, kicking a ball at a goalkeeper and being stretchered off when their hairspray gives out. Sorry, but there's summat wrong wi' that. In 1966 England football players were paid £60 per match. How on earth did it get to be as perverse as this? I realise soccer isn't alone and sits amongst basketball, boxing and golf in the colossal salary stakes, but it certainly creates a high benchmark in paying super-fit nonces to flop around on a field while pretending to work. Ask yourself, if you were building a utopian world, who would you pay more money to, the soccer player or someone putting you back together after a severe car crash?

Then there's the diving. Soccerites believe the comical dives of players who are stretchered off only to return minutes later to the field of play. They howl with righteous anger at the real or perceived wrong of their opposition, or scream their disbelief and denial that their player even touched the guy. This mirrors what occurs on the pitch. When a referee makes a decision in a game they are surrounded on all sides by gesticulating, slavering, overpaid ponces who shove, abuse and scream at the referee. This is sanctioned by the soccerite despite there being absolutely no tolerance for this in any other sport. The only time most cricket players will address the the umpire is to enquire after the state of their health*. When emotions run that high in a game, it's a sign it's being taken far too seriously. Let's not forget the impressionable children who watch this game. They will do what their heroes do.

Now that's worth a dive.

Then there's the teams these people support. They're usually English Premier League teams, sometimes Spanish La Liga teams and are usually chosen for the most tenuous connections. The Soccerite often hasn't been to the city, seen a game at the ground, has had no relative from that town and often has no English blood at all. Often it's just because they're almost certainties to win their championships. I recall seeing one Soccerite tear his shirt off after his team lost the championship, vowing to support the team that won... there's loyalty. I support the Tasman rugby team because I was born there. I support Canterbury and the Crusaders because I live there. I support the All Blacks for both reasons. I could support Hull City in the EPL, having a parent born there and having gone through the ordeal of living in such a colourless city, but I can't be arsed because it would involve potentially having to watch a game and definitely having to talk to a Soccerite about the game.

Then there's FIFA. John Oliver does a better job of picking FIFA apart than I ever will and he makes a good point that the acceptance of corruption on this global scale by those who participate in the game is utterly ridiculous. Seriously, Qatar to host the next World Cup? Good luck with that one.

Then there's the name. Soccer. Not football. Or rather, yes, football. 
I was having a beer the other night with a couple of blokes who also happen to be Professors of Law. In mid conversation a chap who I believe to be the most vehement Manchester United supporter walked past and I refused to let the chance to let the soccer dig go by unused.
"Hey Charles," says I, "... soccer isn't a proper sport."
"It's f-----g football, you c--t." he replies. Then one of my learned off-siders says:
"Well actually, it is soccer as well. It's a contraction of the words Association Football and despite its corruption, it is a perfectly acceptable piece of colloquial parlance."
"F-----g what?" says Charles before turning away and stalking off muttering the letters UC. 
In addition to my learned off-sider's argument, I contest that it may well be called football, but it shouldn't have exclusivity over the name as there are other competitive sports that involve contact between feet and balls**: rugby union football, American football, Australian football, arena football, Canadian football, Gaelic football, Harrow football etc. Calling soccer football invites ambiguity - "I went to watch the football last night." "So did I, the Crusaders pants-ed the Sharks in Christchurch. It was fucking brilliant." See? Rugby union football. Calling it soccer is a clear way of saying that the person in italics, who wasted ninety minutes watching a game with no scoreline and where no-one got hurt, was watching association football. 
Another argument the Soccerite will summon is that only the Americans call it soccer. The crushing response, particularly if the particular Soccerite is English***, is "Yeah, and they're better at it than you." 

Soccer just isn't important enough for me to be bothering with, but I retain the right to mock it and its acolytes. Stick your soccer... you blouse.

*(I paraphrase John Clarke)
** Yes, I did that on purpose.
*** And the Russians, the Danish, the Swedes, Nigerians, Japanese, Australians, New Zealanders and so on,