Q&A

I answer the questions that never really needed to be asked.

What is the most expensive thing you have bought?
My education. Our generation in New Zealand was given a user-pays university  system that our parents generation thought would be a good idea. Consequently, as well as having to save for a deposit on a house that keeps getting further away as prices inflate due to post-earthquake demand, I will have to pay back around $45,000. The young lady who sits opposite me at work will have to pay back $80,000. I would quite like to spend $45,000 on a beer-hunting trip around Europe or on suits, shoes and watches. I would also quite like to spend $45,000 to invest in developing a time machine so I could find whoever implemented this system and kick them heavily in the groin.

What is the trait you deplore most in yourself?
Laziness. I could conquer the world, or at least parts of Christchurch if I could be bothered. Becoming bothered is a bothersome issue indeed.

What is the trait you most deplore in others?
Ignorance is usually a bedfellow of selfishness, intolerance and stupidity. You'll find most of the characters that irritate me have ignorance of some sort in their makeup.

What would instantly improve your life?
A thumping great injection of cash. Whoever said money can't buy happiness was gravely misinformed. I would first create a portfolio of investments so that I would never have to work again (if I didn't want to) and following the inevitable purchase of land, a house with a slide running from the upper floors to the lower floors, I would set about creating my brewing empire.

What would your super power be?
Nudity.

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
Attila the Wife has a list of verbal crutches that I have. I believe this list to be very short. She believes this list to be horribly extensive. That and swear words. I love swearing.

Who would be your ideal dinner party guests?
John Clarke and Clive James for intelligent and humourous discourse; Nigella Lawson for hostess duties and to fall in love with; a scattering of friends and family; and my labrador Missy to hoover up the scraps and fall asleep on my feet during the port and cheese part by the fire. Sadly, Missy died some years ago and I still grieve for her.

What is the worst job you've done?
I was posted to Linton outside Palmerston North to an engineering regiment and at one stage every day when I turned up to work was the worst day of my life. I got to do some eye-opening things in the Army and have a number of fond memories, but the turgid realities of everyday life were quite depressing. I wasn't a terribly good fit for the Army.

What has been your biggest disappointment?
Being refused for officer selection at 18. I was mortified but in hindsight it was by far the best decision that has been made for me.

If you could go back in time, where would you go?
Aside from going back to perform the action mentioned in the first question, I would quite like to go back and lay some learning on my 13 year old self to try and alter a few perceptions, talk over a few life options and to tell myself the winners of every major sporting event that the TAB takes bets on for the next 20 years.

How do you relax?
By buggering about in the kitchen, buggering about on the computer and buggering about in the pub.

What do you consider to be your greatest achievement?
Knowing that when the apocalypse comes I can build and stock my bunker myself with provisions that I have made. It never fails to surprise me how helpless people can be when the electricity goes off.

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